Hi. Welcome back to my kitchen. At one time or another, we face patterns of behavior that we wish we would not repeat. Repeating negative behaviors leaves us feeling discouraged. The memories of our past failures flash in our memory reel, and that sinking feeling in our gut reminds us that we are trapped – even enslaved. Is there any hope of breaking cycles caused by sexual abuse?
Actually, yes. There is hope. Breaking cycles caused by sexual abuse is possible. While was sowed into us and what produced a harvest of bad fruit can be reversed. We overcome and reverse it by understanding our problem, figuring out what triggers the behavior, and deciding what will get us out of the cycle. You have many resources and options available to you including counseling, prayer, books, podcasts.
My experience of breaking cycles caused by sexual abuse
As I write this, I am sitting in a hotel room. I came here to watch my nephew compete in a yo-yo competition. It is a miracle that I came here to spend this time with my brother and his son. In order to get here, I went through a lot of counseling, prayer, and forgiveness. Psalm 34:18 says God “heals the broken hearted, and saves the crushed in spirit. The Bible also says in John 6:29 that the work of the believer is to believe. I firmly believed God would heal me. I did not doubt it for a minute.
Let’s get personal
I had my own behavior cycles caused by sexual abuse. Anything would trigger me – watching people kiss in a movie, movie violence, and any random behavior that might convey love or sexuality and appeared normal to others. I would lash out, shut down, or just not talk all together. If someone rejected me even slightly or for something normal, I mentally spiraled downward in despair, self-deprecation, and suicide.
Cycles plagued me for quite some time. I had no awareness that I was caught in these cycles. It took repeated bad relationships for me to begin to think there might be a problem. I experienced a lot of pain, and I suffered from what happened and from beliefs I used to keep myself safe. I built walls and defenses that felt safe but actually hurt me instead.
Let’s break the cycles caused by sexual abuse
So how do we break out of the cycles? Realize that, although you were truly a victim of this awful abuse, you do not have to be a victim any longer. Take responsibility for yourself and decide to be better no matter what the cost. For a foundation, recognize what cycles are. Cycles are patterns of behavior that do not produce the outcome we desire.
Let’s take the example of wanting to get married. You want to get married, but every time someone reaches out to you, you despise the attention, roll your eyes in disgust, shove the person away, and count every reason why that person is not a good fit. At the end of this behavior cycle, you are not married.
Although longing, want, and desire weigh you down, you end up with nothing. Several beliefs are active inside you. You think you know better when you don’t. While you want to get married, underlying fears prevent you from moving forward, and the fear rules you. Call it hesitation, reluctance, or the desire to be safe; all of that prevents you from moving forward and just saying a basic hello.
Heal and Reason
Reasoning looks more intuitive to us, yet sometimes we cannot reason unless we are healed. It is important to realize that both healing and reasoning happen at the same time. As we work through a problem, we realize that somethings are important, somethings are ok, other areas of our lives still need healing. In the process, we find healing. While the Christian community sometimes discourages reasoning and meditation in the secular sense, it need not discourage it completely. You see, the influence of the Christian community around me against secular beliefs was so severe, that I let it hinder me from meditating and reasoning through my problems.
I personally was scared to meditate, but I really needed to meditate, and in fact the Bible says to do so. (See Psalm 1). Whatever you call it, reasoning or meditation or something else, you need time to sit and think about what happened, take note of your behavior in the present and how it is driven by the past. Most of my problems in marriage came from bringing the past into the present. I found myself triggered simply by my husband asking for sex – a natural thing to do in a marriage!
Breaking cycles takes time. Basically, since high school, I spent a lot of time becoming aware of my behavior, talking with folks, assessing the reality, making the past whole, and finding peace. So, please be patient with yourself. Continue to live life while you work on yourself. You can do it. Healing is possible. It is available to anyone who wants it.
Don’t go it alone
If you don’t want to do it alone, I encourage you to invite Jesus into your heart. Why Jesus and not another person? Well, you need both. Hurt and healing both occur in relationship. But, Jesus does not go home when your friends do. When others need to attend to family or other things, when that sense of security they provide goes with them, Jesus will always be there for you. Whether you are with him or not, he sees you and longs to be close to you and to help you. Jesus never goes away, and he never gives up on us. You can always pray and talk to him. He sees and hears everything from prayers audible or not to journal entries on paper.
Accepting Jesus into our heart is pretty basic. We acknowledge his standard which says we have sinned. We believe in the work Jesus did on the cross to pay the penalty for that sin (this includes the sins of other towards us). Then, we confess that Jesus is our Lord and allow him to govern our lives. It doesn’t make life perfect, but Jesus makes life bearable. Until sin and death are ended once for all, we endure to the end with Christ in our hearts.
Breaking cycles cause by sexual abuse is hard work, but it can be done. Believe in Jesus for healing. Believe you can be healed. Ask God to work in you, and he will! “He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 1:6).
-Leisel
**It is my intention that these posts encourage you in your journey towards healing. Although they may feel good, they are not intended to be therapy or replace the help of a counselor. Collectively, hopefully, these posts and the help of others work together to help you overcome and thrive.**
